"As celebrities buy, so must we all buy." That is the guiding principle behind countless blurbs published in every "celebrity journalism" outlet from People to eonline.com. It reflects a media mindset that if more than two celebrities have been seen wearing something, then it MUST be a newsworthy trend–because the masses will most certainly follow their bold leads. Among these entertainment publications, Entertainment Weekly has the least to be ashamed of. While it inevitably must run the requisite cover story on Britney and her undertalented ilk, the AOL/Time-Warner publication lets its writers go beyond the usual "Aren't celebrities COOL?!" angle that is stock in trade for People, Us, etc. But amid its business reporting, artist profiles, and forthright reviews, there is "The Scout." Described as a "Field Guide to the Next New Things," the one- to two-page section is actually just about what those sly celebrities are buying and eating–because, of course, celebrities are constantly on the vanguard of important new trends. The following products were earnestly reported by "The Scout" as being on the cusp of sweeping the nation. Amazingly enough, these fads never struck the popular imagination.

(Bonus Item: Each "Bottom 5" selection includes an especially stupid excerpt from that issue's "The Shaw Report," the excruciatingly unenlightening "what's in & out" column by Jessica Shaw. Yes, she's actually a paid professional!)

Honorable Mentions: Bracelets that say something (January 4, 2002), Flesh-toned lipstick (April 26, 2002)

Che Guevara T-shirts

Issue Date: November 10, 2000
Gimmick: T-shirts with an image of deceased Cuban revolutionary Che Guevara on them.
Price: $28
Celebrities Witnessed Using Product: Jesse Bradford (Bring It On), Brad Wilk (Rage Against the Machine), Michael Weatherly (Dark Angel)
Hype: "Che is definitely sexy."
Reality Check: If these second-rate "stars" are the best they could come up with, then this product barely deserves its own celebrity trend puff piece.

Most Absurd Predictions from "The Shaw Report:"
"In: Side dishes, Five Minutes Ago: Prix-fixe dinners, Out: All you can eat"

Sparkly Bandannas

Issue Date: May 18, 2001
Gimmick: Bandannas with crystals or silver studs imbedded in them.
Price: $25 to $350
Celebrities Witnessed Using Product: Jada Pinkett Smith, Vivica A. Fox, Tisha Campbell, Justin Timberlake, Janet Jackson, Lil' Bow Wow, Missy Elliott
Hype: "Don't throw out the Bedazzler!"
Reality Check: The traditional-bandannas industry breathes easy; sales of non-sparkling 'do-rags continue unabated.

Most Absurd Predictions from "The Shaw Report:"
"In: Debb-related remorse, Five Minutes Ago: Crushing on Colby, Out: Richard Hatch"

Designer Eyeglass Leashes

Issue Date: August 10, 2001
Gimmick: Glasses loops that use glass beads, freshwater pearls, or semiprecious stones instead of plastic.
Celebrities Witnessed Using Product: Julia Roberts, Bette Midler, Martha Stewart
Hype: "You can wear it day or evening."
Reality Check: Nobody under the age of 70 actually uses eyeglass leashes, and those people on Social Security can't really afford ones made of semiprecious stones.

Most Absurd Predictions from "The Shaw Report:"
"In: Herb gardens, Five Minutes Ago: Cactus gardens, Out: Rock gardens"

Biodegradable Candles

Issue Date: March 22, 2002
Gimmick: Candles that don't burn petroleum-based paraffin, which "can be hazardous to your health," according to the vegan candlemaker behind "Jenni Originals."
Price: $2 to $52
Celebrities Witnessed Using Product: Alicia Silverstone, Renée Zellweger, Jada Pinkett Smith, Brooke Shields, Keenan Ivory Wayans.
Hype: "Looks like ordinary wax may be waning."
Reality Check: Humankind continues to use paraffin candles as it has for millennia, apparently unscathed.

Most Absurd Predictions from "The Shaw Report:"
"In: Private helicopters, Five Minutes Ago: Private yachts, Out: Company jets"

Designer Flak Jackets

Issue Date: May 25, 2002
Gimmick: Non-functional flak jackets as fashionable outerwear.
Price: Unreported. Probably a lot as they're being produced by designer labels Antonio Ansaldi and Maurice Malone.
Celebrities Witnessed Using Product: DMX, Jay-Z, Ja Rule
Hype: "Hip-hop has an energy that takes abstract things and makes them the next cool thing."
Reality Check: They look fucking ridiculous. No one is wearing them. And if people did wear them, it would be tantamount to pinning "Shoot Me" signs on their backs.

Most Absurd Predictions from "The Shaw Report:"
"In: Local news babes, Five Minutes Ago: CNBC babes, Out: Sci Fi Channel babes"

—August 20, 2002

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