Not unlike the European explorers of the 16th century who never doubted that there must be a Northwest Passage leading to the riches of the Orient, dieters are unwavering in their collective quest to find the quickest and easiest weight-loss gimmick. The fact that the ultimate weight-reduction plan can be summed up in a handful of wordseat a balanced diet, exercise oftendoesn't stop book publishers from issuing endless volumes of bizarrely named diets like The Testosterone Advantage Plan or The South Beach Diet. That's because people will buy themall of them. (Plug the words "diet plan" into the Amazon.com search engine, and you will currently receive over 40,000 responsesjust in books.) Lately, one book published over 20 years ago has seen a massive surge in popularity: Dr. Atkins' Diet Revolution. Due to recent medical studies and media stories that indicate it may actually help reduce body fat, the Atkins Diet has been proclaimed the latest Holy Grail for dieters. Its edicts of no carbohydrates/lots of protein have inspired millions of marketers. Just like the Great Fat Wars of the '90s that promised salvation via Reduced-Fat Ruffles, the Anti-Carbohydrate Uprising has spawned thousands of "low-carb" products clogging grocery store shelves. Here are some of the sillier ones.
Burger King's Low-Carb Whopper
Not so long agoa few months, perhaps?the fast-food hamburger was the ultimate symbol of everything that's wrong with the American diet. Cheaply and often inhumanely produced on a massive scale, triple-decker-mega-cheeseburgers are often blamed for our national epidemic of obesityand they're loaded with far scarier things than just saturated fat. Now, however, fast-food burgers are considered to be health food as long as you remove that nasty bun. Several smaller burger chains like Hardee's and Carl's Jr. offer lettuce-wrapped hamburgers, but industry giant Burger King takes the cake (so to speak) in the low-carb bandwagon-jumping contest. If you order a Low-Carb Whopper, what you actually get is a Whopper plopped into a plastic bowlwith the bun, ketchup, and mayo removed. For this service, you will pay the exact same price as a regular Whopper. Now that's American ingenuity! (And it swiftly returns the fast-food burger to inescapable symbol of socio-industrial corruption.)
Zipperz Deep-Fried Wheat Chips
There is no official, federally regulated definition of what constitutes "low carb," so consumers are basically entrusting manufacturers to be honest when using the label. So it's nice to see that Nexus Nutrition, the company selling Zipperz Deep-Fried Wheat Chips, is responsible enough to admit that it's not even sure how accurate its carb counting may be with these particular chips. Whether the package's disclaimer will comfort you is another matter: "We have ZIPPERZ manufactured for us by a third party. We were assured that the Nutrition Information given to us by this company was accurate. However, this information has been called into question, and we have spoken with a Food Scientist who indicates that the Nutrition Facts given to us by our source is most likely not accurate based on the components used in the production of this product. The actual Nutrition Information will be closer to that of the Racquet Chips that we used to carry in our On-Line Store. If you have been able to eat ZIPPERZ and stay in ketosis while Low Carbing, as we have, then you know that they do not adversely spike blood sugar. However, we would never want to intentionally post inaccurate Nutrition Information, and our commitment to the Low Carb Community, as always, is accuracy in our Nutritional Information. Therefore, we are paying an Independent Testing Facility to fully test this product. Until we get the results back from this Nutritional Analysis, we must caution you that the exact information is not yet known." Phew! What a relief!
Baha Bobs Margarita Mix
Nothing can spoil a drinking binge more than having to worry about all those dangerous carbohydrates swimming in your fifth margarita. With less than 1 gram of carbs per 4-ounce drink, you'll be able to slam them all night long without breaking your personal diet vows. Now that's what you'd call responsible drinking!
Gram's Gourmet Sweet & Cinnamon Crunchies
Who could possibly have predicted the rise of the pork rind as a nationally popular snack food? Just a few years ago, these "chips" were considered Southern aberrations in the snack-food industry. In fact, they were particularly horrifying to low-fat cultists because not only do they have a high fat content, but they're also MADE of fat! Now, however, pork rinds are a low-carb dieter's dream snack: all the oily flavor of a potato or corn chip without the risk of high carbohydrate intake. Such are the shifting fortunes of snacks in the roller-coaster world of fad diets. While most pork-rind manufacturers have no doubt seen a rise in sales, we focus here on Gram's for the simple fact that they have blazed a new trail in rind technology, daring to employ the words "gourmet" and "sweet" in reference to their product. Mmmmm there's nothing quite like diving into a fresh bag of sugary-sweet, crunchy slabs of deep-fried PIG FAT.
Low Carb Cleanse System by Renew Life
Yes, low-carb dieters, now you can experience the joys of having to manually cleanse your colon. You see, there are two big drawbacks to cutting fruits and vegetables from your diet: 1. A lack of dietary fiber, and 2. A lack of vitamins. Normally that would mean living in a constant state of constipation and rickets. Fortunately, there are modern alternatives to naturally voiding your bowels or absorbing phytonutrients via highly dangerous apples or carrots. Just take pills! After imbibing the concentrated goodness of potent vegetable extracts like "broccoli powder," you'll then experience the soothing effects of magnesium hydroxide as it hydrates your moisture-deprived colon. A small price to pay for the opportunity to jump on the latest fad diet!
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