Not since the threat of nuclear Armageddon in the '50s and early '60s have we as a nation been so bombarded by "duck and cover" style propaganda. While these government-supplied suggestions are meant to reassure us, they mostly just remind us that there's very little you can personally do to ward off germ warfare or a massive nuclear explosion. Nevertheless, perhaps some people do indeed find solace in purchasing the following items (or, in some cases, battling for them against similarly crazed consumers). The rest of us, however, can only gape in morbid wonder.
Yes, they're a cheap source of protein. Yes, any biological threat has probably been pasteurized right out of them. Yes, they taste great on crackers with EZ Cheeze and PBR. AndGod knowsthey're the perfect food to withstand any nuclear attack. But who knows what they're made of, really? Remember: Soylent Green is PEOPLE.
In this time of global warming, it's never a bad idea to have a little extra water stocked up. And, what the heck, say we are slammed with a weapon of mass destructionyou'll need something to drink, cook with, wash the dogs with, etc. But, please, not Evianremember, France is the enemy. Or wait, was that Germany? Or, no, wait it's Iraq? What did they do to us again? Um, never mind. Just make mine Aquafina.
Don't run down to the sporting goods store and stock up on ammo just yet. Standard-issue civilian firearms have been proven ineffective on smallpox, cryptosporidium, nerve agents, and nuclear radiation. Of course, if your pantry is well stocked, you may have to fend off hungry neighbors. But for that, just dip into the stash left over from Y2K.
There's practically nothing this crazy tape can't do. You can fix a leaky pipe, reattach a muffler, and even give yourself a bikini wax. Chances are, however, that it won't ward off evil. For that, you'll need to stick to garlic, sharp stakes, torches in the night, andof courseas many crosses as you can fashion out of household items.
Anyone who made it through college living in a run-down student-slum apartment knows that plastic sheeting won't even protect you from chill winter winds, let alone ICBMs. And what will you do with the stuff once the threat is over? Pray for a Twin Peaks revival, pick up a tube of blue lipstick, and plan next Halloween's costume around Laura Palmershe's dead, wrapped in plastic.
All illustrations courtesy the U.S. government.
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